late night thoughts

I am sitting up, watching the movie Chocolat.  It has been almost two weeks since I last posted and much has happened.  I had a terrible cold which kept me from doing much of anything.  But right at the beginning of the cold I did have an appointment with Dr. Amson.  It was a good appointment.  I liked him - I liked how he was straight forward and honest with me.  I have half my body weight to lose.  I suppose it could be worse - I could have two or three or four hundred pounds to lose.  We talked about the different types of surgery.  He said that the Roux en Y or gastric bypass is not a suitable choice because I had arthritis and had knee replacements.  I did some reading and discovered that the reason is that there is a much greater chance of developing an ulcer from taking ibuprofen if you have had gastric bypass.  So, that leaves me with two choices - the gastric sleeve or the band.  The band is not covered my insurance and if I were to choose that, it would mean a cost of $15,000.  Not very realistic.  He said that I shouldn't make a choice about my health based on cost.  This is all very well and good for him to say.  He is sitting on his side of the desk with an income well into the 6 figures.  No such luck for me.  There is another reason I hesitate about the band.  People with the band, when it is not adjusted well, will often vomit.  When I was pregnant I had severe morning sickness.  I lost somewhere in the neighbourhood of 60 pounds.  My GP at the time suggested that because I had been bulimic for about 10 years of my early life that it likely made it much easier for me to reach the point of vomiting in my morning sickness.  I don't want to be in a position where I start vomiting again.  So, I think that the band is not the best option for me.  Instead, I think I will get the the gastric sleeve.  In the sleeve they remove about 75-80% of the stomach, leaving a piece that is roughly the size and shape of a small banana.  The rest of the stomach is taken out including a section that has the gland that causes hunger pangs.  I have been told that it significantly decreases hunger, although Dr. Amson said that it eventually returns.  He gave me a list of 3 books to read.  One is called In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts.  It is about addiction.  The second is called Fat Girl by Judith Moore and the last one is Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies.  I have started the first book.  It is interesting but so far not much that I didn't know about addiction already.  He also gave me some articles to read and he said he wanted me to sign up for the Victoria Marathon.  When he said that I started to laugh and asked if he had read my chart.  I have had two knee replacements.  He said that he didn't want me to run the marathon if I am not able but I could sign up for the 8K and just walk as far as I could - I didn't have to finish.  It was more about being part of the WLS group.  So I told him I would and I have started to walk more.  Today I walked 50 minutes - the most so far.  I will be seeing him again next November.  

I have been continuing to see Neil, my therapist.  He specializes in addiction counselling.  Today he and I talked about a conversation I had with Nick, my partner.  Nick said that he had been getting grumpy because, amongst other things, he wanted to see me get more active and lose weight.  The conversation sent me into a tailspin and I spent most of the morning crying.  It was just like being with my exhusband who was very abusive and focused on my activity level and my weight.  When I talked to Neil he said a few things to me:

1. I shouldn't take Nick's comments personally.

2. If these things were making Nick grumpy, that was his problem and not mine.

3. To remember that I was more active and I had started steps towards doing the WL surgery.

4. I was reacting to things from the place of being a victim.  I needed to drop the victim role, even if it is very difficult.  And to remember each day to do my best and that my best will change from day to day.

So this is my goal - to let go of the victim role.  Also, to release my inner Riley - but that is another story for another day.

Little more upbeat today....

I'm a little more upbeat today.  I am not sure what yesterday was all about except that this whole thing scares the crap out of me.  Don't get me wrong, I want the surgery - I want to be healthy, that is my number one goal, and I am tired of being fat.  It is just that I have always identified as a FAT PERSON rather than as a PERSON WHO IS FAT.  The fat came before the person.  So if the fat is not the person, who is the person?  I think perhaps it is a good thing that the surgery is in 6 weeks like when I had my knee surgery.  I think it is a good thing to have time to put the idea of FAT behind me.  I found another blog about WLS - specifically about living after WLS.  She quoted an article called "2009 - Your Time to Shine" by someone named Kaye Bailey.  Part of the article said:

In this course of his studies on evolution Charles Darwin discovered that in sea turtles it is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor is it the most intelligent of the species that survive. The survivors are those most responsive to change. As weight loss surgery patients we have affected a major change on our bodies, our species. I consider that we caused a voluntary acceleration of evolution and because of this we must embrace and accept change with great enthusiasm. We don't have to be the strongest or most intelligent, we just simply have to move forward accepting this change and find what works.

Our surgeons have skillfully changed us physically. But the more difficult change comes from within. Within our minds, our hearts, and yes, our spiritual beings. When we embrace inner change our physical being will follow.

As part of embracing change I ask you to be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. This is a really important part of the 5 Day Pouch Test andLivingAfterWLS. Often people recovering from morbid obesity (myself included) put ourselves last on the priority list. Anything else feels selfish and we are giving people, right? Wrong. We cannot give fully of ourselves until we are healthy inside and out. And remember, you are never alone in this journey. 

Time for me to embrace change.  Time for me to be kind to myself.  Today is Mother's Day.  Today I am going to do something that is just for me.  

In case you want to read the blog where the quote came from, the URL is http://livingafterwls.blogspot.com/

Moving on

This is not the most attractive picture of me but it shows what size I am.  Last week I went to the support group for pre & post op WLS patients.  I was really glad that I went there - I got so much information, my head is still spinning.  One woman had lost 300lbs and had been maintaining her new weight for 2 years (I think).  We talked about the issue of skin after the weight loss.  She had had plastic surgery on her torso and was waiting for more for her legs.  I know that the plastic surgery will be out for me because just the torso cost her $15000.  This morning I had a small meltdown (poor Nick - he is so patient and supportive with me).  I have no delusions about what I look like naked.  I know that I am not sexy or attractive physically.  I want this surgery more than anything but I am afraid of what I will look like with loose skin hanging down.  I know that not everyone has this, and I don't have 300lbs to lose - more like 120 - but I am afraid that I will be even less attractive.  Nick is a wonderful man and deserves to have a beautiful woman walking beside him, sleeping beside him, and I just don't feel like that is me.  I believe I have a pretty face but that is where it ends.  I am tired of being fat.  I have been fat all my life - even if the scale didn't agree.  When I weighed 130 or 140 or 150, those were all normal weights but my head said that I was fat and I believed that I was fat so it was no different that actually being fat the way I am now.  I was thinking back this morning over all the cruel and unkind comments people have made to me about my weight.  Some of them were just out and out intended to be mean but many of them were just thoughtless or were people trying to be helpful but they all hurt.  The worst ones have come from my mother - she has never had a weight problem in her life but she, as long as I can remember, has obsessed about her weight and other people's weight.  She judges people on their weight all the time and I know what that means about me.  It may be the most hurtful thing she has ever done towards me.  I remember her telling me about someone who came to visit who was very large and how she was embarrassed that the neighbours would see this person visiting her house.  This person is exactly the same size as me.  It's not a hard jump to think that she is embarrassed by me too.  Oh, how this hurts me.  It is no wonder that I have spent years working with a therapist on this (and other) issues.

Another thing I learned at this meeting was that the sleeve is now covered by MSP.  So, I have to make a decision about the Roux en Y or the gastric sleeve.  I am leaning towards the sleeve but of course I will wait to speak to Dr. Amson first.  I have done a little research on the two and I have found two YouTube videos that show what they are.  The first is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-1zlKmPzf8 which is the Roux en Y and the second is for the gastric sleeve.  It is actually an ad for surgery in Costa Rica but it is the only one I could find that shows how the sleeve is done without showing actually surgery.  It actually has some good points about the pros and cons of the sleeve.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lZW31I9NTA.  I will see Dr Amson in three days.  I hope I will have some good news then.  

Feeling pretty dark

Today I am feeling pretty dark so I chose the black background to this blog.  I have spent the past 20 years of my life clinically obese.  Like so many others I have yo-yoed up and down - the number on the scale telling me how I feel about myself.  Over the past 20 years I have ranged from 190-266 although right now I think I am over that but I am afraid to check.  Last year I had at age 46 & 47 two total knee replacements.  I had done so much dieting - Weight Watchers, TOPS, several other diet clinic-type places, Overeaters Anonymous, worked with a dietician twice, more diet books than I can count - and if I did manage to lose weight I could never keep it off.  I had pretty much come to the conclusion that I would be obese for the rest of my life.  One day I came across a website called Obesity Help.  On this website there were dozens of before and after pictures of people who had gastric bypass.  Some of them were much larger than me in their before pictures and all of them were much smaller than me in the after pictures.  This gave me hope - hope that perhaps I didn't have to be obese forever.  I went to my GP and asked for a referral to Dr. Amson in Victoria who does the gastric bypass.  I had heard differing things about the wait times.  One friend of mine who had the surgery told me the waits were 4-5 years.  The endocrinologist told me it was more likely 1 year.  I was thrilled when I got a call that I would have an appointment on May 12th, 6 months after my referral.  I had pictures in my head that this time next year I could be on my way to a normal weight.  I went to Dr Amson's website and read it from one end to the other.  One of the things he strongly suggests is belonging to a support group.  I checked them out and found one in the town where I live.  I emailed the contact name, still very excited about the prospects.  After a few emails back and forth she told me that she was likely going to have her surgery this summer and it would be three years after her first appointment with Dr Amson.  I was crushed!  Three more years!  I don't know if I and my knees could wait that long!  Next Tuesday I have to have tests in the hospital and then the following week I see Dr. Amson.  Next Tuesday is also the next support group meeting.  I am going to try to get to that.  I hope I come away with a more positive feeling than I have now.   BTW, the picture up above is me at about 255.