late night thoughts

I am sitting up, watching the movie Chocolat.  It has been almost two weeks since I last posted and much has happened.  I had a terrible cold which kept me from doing much of anything.  But right at the beginning of the cold I did have an appointment with Dr. Amson.  It was a good appointment.  I liked him - I liked how he was straight forward and honest with me.  I have half my body weight to lose.  I suppose it could be worse - I could have two or three or four hundred pounds to lose.  We talked about the different types of surgery.  He said that the Roux en Y or gastric bypass is not a suitable choice because I had arthritis and had knee replacements.  I did some reading and discovered that the reason is that there is a much greater chance of developing an ulcer from taking ibuprofen if you have had gastric bypass.  So, that leaves me with two choices - the gastric sleeve or the band.  The band is not covered my insurance and if I were to choose that, it would mean a cost of $15,000.  Not very realistic.  He said that I shouldn't make a choice about my health based on cost.  This is all very well and good for him to say.  He is sitting on his side of the desk with an income well into the 6 figures.  No such luck for me.  There is another reason I hesitate about the band.  People with the band, when it is not adjusted well, will often vomit.  When I was pregnant I had severe morning sickness.  I lost somewhere in the neighbourhood of 60 pounds.  My GP at the time suggested that because I had been bulimic for about 10 years of my early life that it likely made it much easier for me to reach the point of vomiting in my morning sickness.  I don't want to be in a position where I start vomiting again.  So, I think that the band is not the best option for me.  Instead, I think I will get the the gastric sleeve.  In the sleeve they remove about 75-80% of the stomach, leaving a piece that is roughly the size and shape of a small banana.  The rest of the stomach is taken out including a section that has the gland that causes hunger pangs.  I have been told that it significantly decreases hunger, although Dr. Amson said that it eventually returns.  He gave me a list of 3 books to read.  One is called In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts.  It is about addiction.  The second is called Fat Girl by Judith Moore and the last one is Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies.  I have started the first book.  It is interesting but so far not much that I didn't know about addiction already.  He also gave me some articles to read and he said he wanted me to sign up for the Victoria Marathon.  When he said that I started to laugh and asked if he had read my chart.  I have had two knee replacements.  He said that he didn't want me to run the marathon if I am not able but I could sign up for the 8K and just walk as far as I could - I didn't have to finish.  It was more about being part of the WLS group.  So I told him I would and I have started to walk more.  Today I walked 50 minutes - the most so far.  I will be seeing him again next November.  

I have been continuing to see Neil, my therapist.  He specializes in addiction counselling.  Today he and I talked about a conversation I had with Nick, my partner.  Nick said that he had been getting grumpy because, amongst other things, he wanted to see me get more active and lose weight.  The conversation sent me into a tailspin and I spent most of the morning crying.  It was just like being with my exhusband who was very abusive and focused on my activity level and my weight.  When I talked to Neil he said a few things to me:

1. I shouldn't take Nick's comments personally.

2. If these things were making Nick grumpy, that was his problem and not mine.

3. To remember that I was more active and I had started steps towards doing the WL surgery.

4. I was reacting to things from the place of being a victim.  I needed to drop the victim role, even if it is very difficult.  And to remember each day to do my best and that my best will change from day to day.

So this is my goal - to let go of the victim role.  Also, to release my inner Riley - but that is another story for another day.

Feeling pretty dark

Today I am feeling pretty dark so I chose the black background to this blog.  I have spent the past 20 years of my life clinically obese.  Like so many others I have yo-yoed up and down - the number on the scale telling me how I feel about myself.  Over the past 20 years I have ranged from 190-266 although right now I think I am over that but I am afraid to check.  Last year I had at age 46 & 47 two total knee replacements.  I had done so much dieting - Weight Watchers, TOPS, several other diet clinic-type places, Overeaters Anonymous, worked with a dietician twice, more diet books than I can count - and if I did manage to lose weight I could never keep it off.  I had pretty much come to the conclusion that I would be obese for the rest of my life.  One day I came across a website called Obesity Help.  On this website there were dozens of before and after pictures of people who had gastric bypass.  Some of them were much larger than me in their before pictures and all of them were much smaller than me in the after pictures.  This gave me hope - hope that perhaps I didn't have to be obese forever.  I went to my GP and asked for a referral to Dr. Amson in Victoria who does the gastric bypass.  I had heard differing things about the wait times.  One friend of mine who had the surgery told me the waits were 4-5 years.  The endocrinologist told me it was more likely 1 year.  I was thrilled when I got a call that I would have an appointment on May 12th, 6 months after my referral.  I had pictures in my head that this time next year I could be on my way to a normal weight.  I went to Dr Amson's website and read it from one end to the other.  One of the things he strongly suggests is belonging to a support group.  I checked them out and found one in the town where I live.  I emailed the contact name, still very excited about the prospects.  After a few emails back and forth she told me that she was likely going to have her surgery this summer and it would be three years after her first appointment with Dr Amson.  I was crushed!  Three more years!  I don't know if I and my knees could wait that long!  Next Tuesday I have to have tests in the hospital and then the following week I see Dr. Amson.  Next Tuesday is also the next support group meeting.  I am going to try to get to that.  I hope I come away with a more positive feeling than I have now.   BTW, the picture up above is me at about 255.