Little more upbeat today....

I'm a little more upbeat today.  I am not sure what yesterday was all about except that this whole thing scares the crap out of me.  Don't get me wrong, I want the surgery - I want to be healthy, that is my number one goal, and I am tired of being fat.  It is just that I have always identified as a FAT PERSON rather than as a PERSON WHO IS FAT.  The fat came before the person.  So if the fat is not the person, who is the person?  I think perhaps it is a good thing that the surgery is in 6 weeks like when I had my knee surgery.  I think it is a good thing to have time to put the idea of FAT behind me.  I found another blog about WLS - specifically about living after WLS.  She quoted an article called "2009 - Your Time to Shine" by someone named Kaye Bailey.  Part of the article said:

In this course of his studies on evolution Charles Darwin discovered that in sea turtles it is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor is it the most intelligent of the species that survive. The survivors are those most responsive to change. As weight loss surgery patients we have affected a major change on our bodies, our species. I consider that we caused a voluntary acceleration of evolution and because of this we must embrace and accept change with great enthusiasm. We don't have to be the strongest or most intelligent, we just simply have to move forward accepting this change and find what works.

Our surgeons have skillfully changed us physically. But the more difficult change comes from within. Within our minds, our hearts, and yes, our spiritual beings. When we embrace inner change our physical being will follow.

As part of embracing change I ask you to be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. This is a really important part of the 5 Day Pouch Test andLivingAfterWLS. Often people recovering from morbid obesity (myself included) put ourselves last on the priority list. Anything else feels selfish and we are giving people, right? Wrong. We cannot give fully of ourselves until we are healthy inside and out. And remember, you are never alone in this journey. 

Time for me to embrace change.  Time for me to be kind to myself.  Today is Mother's Day.  Today I am going to do something that is just for me.  

In case you want to read the blog where the quote came from, the URL is http://livingafterwls.blogspot.com/

Moving on

This is not the most attractive picture of me but it shows what size I am.  Last week I went to the support group for pre & post op WLS patients.  I was really glad that I went there - I got so much information, my head is still spinning.  One woman had lost 300lbs and had been maintaining her new weight for 2 years (I think).  We talked about the issue of skin after the weight loss.  She had had plastic surgery on her torso and was waiting for more for her legs.  I know that the plastic surgery will be out for me because just the torso cost her $15000.  This morning I had a small meltdown (poor Nick - he is so patient and supportive with me).  I have no delusions about what I look like naked.  I know that I am not sexy or attractive physically.  I want this surgery more than anything but I am afraid of what I will look like with loose skin hanging down.  I know that not everyone has this, and I don't have 300lbs to lose - more like 120 - but I am afraid that I will be even less attractive.  Nick is a wonderful man and deserves to have a beautiful woman walking beside him, sleeping beside him, and I just don't feel like that is me.  I believe I have a pretty face but that is where it ends.  I am tired of being fat.  I have been fat all my life - even if the scale didn't agree.  When I weighed 130 or 140 or 150, those were all normal weights but my head said that I was fat and I believed that I was fat so it was no different that actually being fat the way I am now.  I was thinking back this morning over all the cruel and unkind comments people have made to me about my weight.  Some of them were just out and out intended to be mean but many of them were just thoughtless or were people trying to be helpful but they all hurt.  The worst ones have come from my mother - she has never had a weight problem in her life but she, as long as I can remember, has obsessed about her weight and other people's weight.  She judges people on their weight all the time and I know what that means about me.  It may be the most hurtful thing she has ever done towards me.  I remember her telling me about someone who came to visit who was very large and how she was embarrassed that the neighbours would see this person visiting her house.  This person is exactly the same size as me.  It's not a hard jump to think that she is embarrassed by me too.  Oh, how this hurts me.  It is no wonder that I have spent years working with a therapist on this (and other) issues.

Another thing I learned at this meeting was that the sleeve is now covered by MSP.  So, I have to make a decision about the Roux en Y or the gastric sleeve.  I am leaning towards the sleeve but of course I will wait to speak to Dr. Amson first.  I have done a little research on the two and I have found two YouTube videos that show what they are.  The first is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-1zlKmPzf8 which is the Roux en Y and the second is for the gastric sleeve.  It is actually an ad for surgery in Costa Rica but it is the only one I could find that shows how the sleeve is done without showing actually surgery.  It actually has some good points about the pros and cons of the sleeve.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lZW31I9NTA.  I will see Dr Amson in three days.  I hope I will have some good news then.